Late night Reflections

March 22, 2023

Late night Reflections

Hello all!

It's Marq again! I am here again this blog will never be "done" I just take a lot of breaks after being vulnerable on here. Anyway, this week has been a week of reflection. It started about an hour ago after I watched a YouTube video of the guy who took a trip across the western states with his friends. I’m not going to lie it kinda got me in my fefe's. It made me think of this week and the choices that I made leading up to it. As someone in a terminal degree program, taking time for yourself when needed is CRUCIAL!!! I spent spring break (middle of midterms) going to Las Vegas with my besties (and met up with some classmates) and had a ball. When I got back it was been a nonstop catch-up.

Today after watching the "friends" video, I realized that I have been in a state of deep thought since this week started. I thought initially about studying and trying to rationalize how I got myself in the predicament that I was in. I had an exam on 20+ lectures that I only spent one day studying (to be exact 12 hours). I have been here before but prior it was in a food animal class (today's exam was a small animal) and I am pretty good at food animal medicine, so I wasn't worried. The amount of strategic studying I did in those 12 hours was outstanding and when I saw the grade, I was amazed but extremely proud of myself. In a nutshell, I spent a large portion of the past few days thinking about this but there were other things.

I thought a lot about friendships. I have my struggles with them from broken trust to being abandoned and other things. I think about the relationships that I have sabotaged in the past due to my trauma that I am not able to work through. I may have spoken of this in a previous blog, but yea trust is something I lack for sure in the majority of my relationships (romantic, family, friends, etc). I thought back to undergrad and the amazing times I had with friends. My fondest memory was the summer after I graduated when Jasmine stayed the week with me after graduation. It was the best time ever. I also thought back to the red-eye flight that I had to drive my upperclassmen friends to after their ride bailed (all day we partied then I had to drive to Raleigh). I speak about these experiences because in these moments I was happy with my friendships, I was "good".

At present time, I have lost connections with my redeye flight friends which ended in a huge fallout. I just needed time it gathers myself and, in the process, I broke a lot of friends' trust and severed that relationship. The crazy thing is that we tried to fix it but she invited me to a Christmas party (which I attended) but the relationship was gone. Compared to my relationship with Jasmine which is unbreakable. No matter how much we argue that’s my girl FOREVER. I wonder why we innately build stronger relationships with certain people. Beats me but I was in my feelings and needed to express them instead of staring at the ceiling suppressing them while I stressed about all the things I could have done on this very rare short day in veterinary school.

I sometimes feel bad for the relationships that I lost, but at the same time, I believe that everything that I have been through made me who I am today. I am a work in progress I am sure many of you can relate. But yea these are just random thoughts and maybe some who are feeling the same will find comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling these feelings.