Feeling are So Freaking weird (Love Conquers Everything)

     Hey you guys. Today has been a day, and yesterday was too honestly. But before all that I'd like to say that "weird" is such a hard word to spell. But anywho it is late. Sunday night, I have to go to work tomorrow, but I find myself feeling depressed. One reason I stayed off social media was due to how easy it is to get your feelings hurt through a phone screen. How does someone you don't know hurt your feelings? I tried to analyze my feelings, and I believe it has a lot to do with abandonment issues from my childhood. My definition of abandonment is the ability to be relieved from someone who sh  Being left by someone who also take the detachment from a  well anyway, google says to give up completely, which can be a person, an emotion, a mentality. Abandonment can also be (most people think of it this way) physical. But it doesn't always have to be. Growing up as a black male, you are not allowed to express your feelings. If you do, there is no one who can console you properly due to their upbringing of the same ideology.
     To better explain the way I am feeling I can go back and pinpoint the moments in my life that has led up to my "abandonment issues." Maybe it was just that disconnect from my father; perhaps it was gay not knowing who to talk to, or 'ol girl trying to ruin my life. How about that first friend shutting you out of his life. All these micro situations have to lead up to me not being able to deal with friendships adequately. I either not even make an effort to make a friend even though I am suppppper social everyone is NOT your friend. Or I fall extremely hard into a friendship that to me is a "friendship," but the mutual party doesn't. OOOOORRR, After a while of being a friend, I lose that enthusiasm as a friend and my friends fall off slowly.
     I always had an excuse, though. During the Summer it was "I needed time to cleanse myself from the year" or " I just need a freaking break" honestly I just did not like getting close to people who could easy as I cut them off do the same to me.  I have gotten better, but in moments like this, I lowkey want to revert to old Marq. I keep thinking of this ring I got this weekend; it is engraved, "Love Conquers Everything." Which kind of fell into my lap and was everything I needed in life. I guess I am more upset when someone who does not even know you from anything just "disappears" I should not care, but it reminds me of the friendships that ended over similar situations. I am trying this new life objective where I live merely in the moment — not overthinking about the future. I aspire to be like Lenny Kravitz. A super chill hippie vibes. But now I am feeling is the complete opposite of so. I know I will get over it but time will heal me and hopefully not leave to big of scars.
     On a more positive note =)..... I have started and can say I am almost finished with my VMCAS application. I have my three references (check), sent my transcript (check), am taking chemistry next semester (check), taking my GRE Summer (check), and am mostly done with my essays. Officially I can send 3/5 application on though. I am actually super terrified about sending them. "What ifs" are highly abundant. I have to get my essays reviewed, and I believe I can send them through. I am applying to (in order of preference) NCState, Virginia- Maryland, Ohio State, Colorado State, and Tuskegee. I have gained a boost to finish my master's from somewhere and am doing great. I have a few more experiments lined up for the Summer, and next two semesters I am out. Also, my main goal is Vet School so if any of those schools say YES and If I do not finish this master's by Aug. 2020 (highly doubt I won't be) I am out!!!!! With all this being said, my wrist is getting tried, so I am going to wrap this post up. Remember, you can always email me. I am available lol. I wont to post more, but I say that all the time. I have a calendar reminder to post every Tuesday, but I do not. Until next time!

Just me being,,,, ME!

Love,